Friendship Breakup

Well as of September 7th my friendship with my so called bff is over. That morning I texted her because it was her birthday and then decided to head on to her fb to post a birthday photo. I came to the surprise of not finding her under the birthday list fb has, and decided to just go to her pg directly and guess what. Surprise to me! I had been unfriended and not just by her but also her bf/ex bf idk, don’t care. A few week ago I had decided I was gonna unfriend her since she didn’t text or answer my mentions  in comments but since her bday was close I waited. And now i feel so angry and betrayed because it should have been me to have the satisfaction of unfriending her. Because it was I that tried so hard on several occasions to reach out to her, to try and continue our friendship and yet she unfriended me? Maybe I shouldn’t be angry or hurt and maybe even relieved that at least I don’t have to keep pushing to make this friendship work. But it angers me that…how much can change in a yr, how much I gave up to see her, how much I went beyond to hang out with her. I called out one day from my job in order to go hang out with her, and all the time I was the one picking her up from her house to hang out and I even freaking gave her sister  a baby present. It should have been obvious right from the start that I was the one giving more that she was. I was just so blinded to have someone call me their best friend or buy me random little gifts when we were out shopping. I even let myself call her my best friend, but i should have known that maybe the meaning to that word was different for her. I was her supposedly best friend and yet sometimes i found out through others certain stuff which she would tell me herself weeks after it happened. And when she went through really dark times I didn’t know anything until way later. How is it supposed to be a bff friendship when you’re “bff” is the last person you think of running to when times get tough? Gosh even when my cat died two days before my bday and we were barely talking I still reached out to her. Because to me she was still my best friend and thankfully she answered. It wasn’t a very long friendship, 2 1/2 yrs, but it was the first time in a long while that I allowed myself to get close to someone and to go as far as to call her my bff. I imagine a break up with a significant other must be hard but I never imagined a break up with a friend would be this bad as well. I see the things she gave me and I feel like throwing them against the wall and breaking them but at the same time I can’t bring myself to do it. So they’re still there just mocking me and reminding me of old memories. I think in the end i’ll just put them away in a box and store away as my memories with her. Soon I guess my heart will heal and yearn for a friendship who hopefully will put in as much as I do.

From BFF’s to nothing…

So it’s official and for some time now…me and my bff broke up. A few months ago our texts seem to be less and less and time between replies took longer and longer. One day i came across this picture post where it said ” Do you ever go from texting someone everyday to realizing you’re always the one texting first, so you eventually stop to see if they realize you two haven’t talked…” And it got me thinking so I stopped texting her the dumb stuff i would send her and days passed but nothing. So I texted her and she replied days later and I would answer back and she wouldn’t. So I would wait and tried again but this time after several times nothing no reply, nada. So i took to fb and even tagged her bf in and in the first one they both replied but after that nothing. It’s been almost 2 months since I talked to her. I’ve been a bit in denial that maybe it’s her bf because I never really liked him, there is just this feeling of there’s something not right. And seeing the way he replies in certain posts towards women confirms that feeling. He talks down to women and whenever i hanged out with my friend and even though it was her money that she earned she would ask basically for permission to buy it. But in the end I think maybe our friendship wasn’t as strong as I thought it was. My suspicion that it was over was true the last time we hanged out, my wish has always been to hang out at a bookstore with my friend. Me sitting in one spot and my bff in another each concentrating in a book. And that night we were in a bookstore and I sat to read the first chapter of the book to decide if to take it or not and all she did was sigh and check her phone right next to me. I looked at her from the corner of my eye and saw she was bored and throughout the time we hanged out and ate she looked bored and kept checking her phone. And it’s not like she doesn’t like reading cause often i would lend her books and vice-versa. So it hurt to see that our friendship was done, I was denial of course and kept trying to text her until now that she won’t even reply.

I call this a break up because it feels like one, I miss her and I miss talking to her and I feel afraid to go back to the places we went to. Because I fear bumping into her and seeing she has found another friend.  Obviously i know maybe she has other friends, and i say maybe cause often she would say it’s nice to finally find someone to hang out with. But still to find yourself replaced and so fast, im not sure how I would react.

All i know in the end is that I should have listened to myself all those years ago and not let her get to close. Every time i’ve thought  I have found a bff I get dumped in almost the same manner, so in the end it’s just better off to be alone. Because in that way you can’t be disappointed and let down. And i’m sorry this post just doesn’t make much sense I just wanna vent out a bit.

Do you want to be friends?

Why is it that when you get a certain age it’s so hard to make new friends?  The first day of school you met these random people and as time went by boom you’re friends. But now you go to work and/or school and there’s no instant connection to the people around you. For me I have 1 online friend who now and then we talk and when we do it feels nice because even though weeks pass by without talking i know i can always message her and she’ll immediately reply as if no time has passed. And then i have another friend who went from coworker to best friend to i don’t know now. At work we became really close and hanged out a lot even with her bf, but now she has another job and since it’s a mon-fri one and she hangs out with her bf on the weekends. It’s been a while since I’ve last seen her, the frequency of our messaging has gone down a lot too. To the point where I’m starting to question if we’ve gone from bff’s to just regular friends, or am i just being needy? So my question is how do we make friends at the age of 26 and keep them?  Because I have found myself getting taken advantage of by so-called friends on more than one occasion. All i want is to find friends who i can rely on, friends that wont take advantage of me, and friends willing to come to me for once. Honestly even if i only have one friend it wouldn’t matter as long as he or she will have my back and reach out to me as i would reach out for them. But it’s so hard to go out and meet new people when you don’t have people to go and hang out with. And especially hard when you’re the quiet and shy type, i’m also the motherly type. Because i’m the type of friend or girl or whatever that if we were to hang out i would go and pick you up to make it easier on you. And i think it’s because of that that people start to take advantage, so for someone like me how would it work? How do i make friends?

Jealous crazy future cat lady?

Jealousy is something truly awful, especially when you’re jealous of a childhood friend’s life. Ever since we were young I was jealous of her she was always the perfect child whom my mom compared me to. My mom would tell me why can’t you do things like her? see how she helps her mom, she how she does this, how she does that. At ages 25/26 respectively we lead different lives, she’s married to a great guy recently gave birth to a wonderful little boy and has a degree and works doing what she’s learned. Me on the other hand still single, no boyfriend in sight, never graduated from college and working as a cashier and getting treated like shit by customers who feel I’m a robot or some kind of slave. For once i wished something would work for me, there are times where emotionally i feel very lonely and I wished I had someone to lean  on someone to hug but there isn’t. I can’t make jokes about wedding or babies or anything of that sort with my mom because I’ll just be asking for some sort of comment. Last time I joked that I wanted to serve ribs at my wedding reception,she was describing a central american theme reception she went to once, and she told me “just be quiet, you should be planning your wedding for next year already but you’re not”. I knew I set myself up for that one but it still kinda hurt that she would say that. It’s like she was letting me see her disappointment at the fact that I’m not engaged or anything. Even my grandma who is visiting us in the US asked my mom if I had a bf or something because she has expected to finally meet one during this visit. Even my grandma that doesn’t live her seems worried, and it freaking confuses me because some tell me I’m still a baby but then I get comments from my family that make me feel like I’m getting left behind. My mom especially with her comments such as “you shouldn’t let your womb dry out” or “you should give yourself the opportunity to feel the joy of being a mother, and holding something of yours in your arms”. These are just two examples and even though she gives out as a sort of advice or a comment it still hurts. My friend tells me to tell her to stop but how can I? She’s my mom and even though I don’t admit to my friend I feel the same disappointment my mom does. I also want to be in love, I also want to have a baby and a family but it’s not happening. And i don’t know how to change that, sometimes I wonder if I feel this way because of my mom’s comments and expectations about my life. What can I do to change my mom’s expectations? to change mines? What if I’m destined to be single? cause I sometimes I feel like I was. Like I just know ima be single forever, can someone truly know deep inside if they’re meant to be alone or single? Any thoughts?