From BFF’s to nothing…

So it’s official and for some time now…me and my bff broke up. A few months ago our texts seem to be less and less and time between replies took longer and longer. One day i came across this picture post where it said ” Do you ever go from texting someone everyday to realizing you’re always the one texting first, so you eventually stop to see if they realize you two haven’t talked…” And it got me thinking so I stopped texting her the dumb stuff i would send her and days passed but nothing. So I texted her and she replied days later and I would answer back and she wouldn’t. So I would wait and tried again but this time after several times nothing no reply, nada. So i took to fb and even tagged her bf in and in the first one they both replied but after that nothing. It’s been almost 2 months since I talked to her. I’ve been a bit in denial that maybe it’s her bf because I never really liked him, there is just this feeling of there’s something not right. And seeing the way he replies in certain posts towards women confirms that feeling. He talks down to women and whenever i hanged out with my friend and even though it was her money that she earned she would ask basically for permission to buy it. But in the end I think maybe our friendship wasn’t as strong as I thought it was. My suspicion that it was over was true the last time we hanged out, my wish has always been to hang out at a bookstore with my friend. Me sitting in one spot and my bff in another each concentrating in a book. And that night we were in a bookstore and I sat to read the first chapter of the book to decide if to take it or not and all she did was sigh and check her phone right next to me. I looked at her from the corner of my eye and saw she was bored and throughout the time we hanged out and ate she looked bored and kept checking her phone. And it’s not like she doesn’t like reading cause often i would lend her books and vice-versa. So it hurt to see that our friendship was done, I was denial of course and kept trying to text her until now that she won’t even reply.

I call this a break up because it feels like one, I miss her and I miss talking to her and I feel afraid to go back to the places we went to. Because I fear bumping into her and seeing she has found another friend.  Obviously i know maybe she has other friends, and i say maybe cause often she would say it’s nice to finally find someone to hang out with. But still to find yourself replaced and so fast, im not sure how I would react.

All i know in the end is that I should have listened to myself all those years ago and not let her get to close. Every time i’ve thought  I have found a bff I get dumped in almost the same manner, so in the end it’s just better off to be alone. Because in that way you can’t be disappointed and let down. And i’m sorry this post just doesn’t make much sense I just wanna vent out a bit.

Do you want to be friends?

Why is it that when you get a certain age it’s so hard to make new friends?  The first day of school you met these random people and as time went by boom you’re friends. But now you go to work and/or school and there’s no instant connection to the people around you. For me I have 1 online friend who now and then we talk and when we do it feels nice because even though weeks pass by without talking i know i can always message her and she’ll immediately reply as if no time has passed. And then i have another friend who went from coworker to best friend to i don’t know now. At work we became really close and hanged out a lot even with her bf, but now she has another job and since it’s a mon-fri one and she hangs out with her bf on the weekends. It’s been a while since I’ve last seen her, the frequency of our messaging has gone down a lot too. To the point where I’m starting to question if we’ve gone from bff’s to just regular friends, or am i just being needy? So my question is how do we make friends at the age of 26 and keep them?  Because I have found myself getting taken advantage of by so-called friends on more than one occasion. All i want is to find friends who i can rely on, friends that wont take advantage of me, and friends willing to come to me for once. Honestly even if i only have one friend it wouldn’t matter as long as he or she will have my back and reach out to me as i would reach out for them. But it’s so hard to go out and meet new people when you don’t have people to go and hang out with. And especially hard when you’re the quiet and shy type, i’m also the motherly type. Because i’m the type of friend or girl or whatever that if we were to hang out i would go and pick you up to make it easier on you. And i think it’s because of that that people start to take advantage, so for someone like me how would it work? How do i make friends?

I’m back!…sorta

Well it’s been a while since my last post, oh and happy new year by the way, but things are pretty much the same. I’m still single, the coworker every single girl at work seemed to like is gone and i’m over it. Except i’ve somehow managed to jump back on the crush on my boss. But I just don’t know why i find him adorable, but mostly it’s just like a physical crush, cause I don’t even talk to the guy. Only when he’s asking me about credit or letting me know of services that we provide and i have to sell to the customers. I was recently looking at apartments to be able to create a budget and see if  maybe i could finally move out. But unfortunately it won’t be happening any time soon, even with a roommate(which would defeat the purpose of living alone) I would need either two full time jobs earning minimum wage or one full time job earning at least $15 an hour. So in the mean time i’m looking for a full time job with a slight better pay than now and start saving up. But it’s so hard finding a job that doesn’t involve customer service, because it’s either that or warehouse work when you don’t have much of an education. If there was a job out there involving working on my own at a desk all day and not something like a call center where it would involve a lot of calling then i wanna know about it. I’m not much of a social person so making phone calls would really be hard for me. It’s like asking me to call to set up for a doctors appointment, i won’t do it and just die there,lol So for now i’m staying in customer service, until i find something better. So this is just a small update on what’s going on in my life apart from the usual baby and wedding fever, which only seems to get worst every time i think ima be 27 this yr…yikes.

Trying to move on

So update on my crush situations;
So as you know from my past posts about how my coworker told me that the guy i like had asked for a date with her. Well I didn’t do much investigation after that cause i decided it wasn’t worth it. But recently I’ve found out several things about and involving him like him smoking(big turn off for me) and him hanging out with another female coworker. A lot of drama seems to be happening because of him since two head cashiers seems to like him as well but from what i see he seems oblivious to it. At least with one of them cause with the other one she’s being a bit too pushy/obvious.  But from what  I can tell he’s not into any of the 3 girls.

In the end I’ve decided to get over him because we seem so different from each other plus i don’t wanna deal with 2 head cashiers who feel they have some claim on him. Especially the pushy one who maybe knows I like him too because she keeps putting me away from him. For example one day all 3 of us were in garden because I was giving lunch to the other cashier and the smile she gave me when telling me to go back inside was ugh. Inside she will also put us on opposite ends so we won’t be able to talk or even say hi. In the end it’s gonna have to be up to him to put an end to all this either by getting a gf or a bf(if he’s gay) or leaving. Cause it’s kinda getting ugly because I heard one of the HC said something mean to the girl he hangs out with once in a while. And she doesn’t even know why, which is why i know there’s only friendship there. So in the end it’s why I’ve decided to get over him and protect this girl from the other HC’s. She’s younger than all of us and she doesn’t need extra BS at work from her own coworkers. Unless somehow from magic or a miracle he decides he likes me then I would take on the HC’s and tell em to get lost,lol But until that happens I’m not gonna get myself into a fight with others over someone who doesn’t have anything to do with me.

 

How do I tune it out?

So recently I’ve heard through my mom that both of my grandmas have been asking about my relationship status and my maternal grandmother going as far as asking if I have even had a boyfriend ever. Then a couple of days ago my mom told me that a couple of the sisters at church have asked her as well if i have a boyfriend and like my grandma if I’ve ever had one. I knew that at one point this was gonna have happen because they show it in movies, books, and there’s even articles on the web about it. But nothing really prepares you for when it actually does, at first I felt upset because I felt it’s none of their business. But then I felt embarrassed and sad, embarrassed because i guess everyone seems to know I’ve been single forever and then sad because then i felt I would become like a project for everyone. Because I feel soon they’re gonna start with the “oh I know this guy” or “you should meet so and so, i think you would match”. I feel once that starts that i would break down completely, so how do i tune it out? How do i stop from it letting it get to me. I wanna stay positive and think that one day someone who’s meant for me will come, but im 26 now and somehow i feel like I’m running out of time. Time for what I’m not sure but while i work it out i wanna know how can i not let it get to me and be able to tune it out.

Strike 3!

Well this is an update on my love/crush situation at work and it’s taken a few days for me to work through it. So a couple days ago another coworker told me how my crush asked another cashier to ask her if she was interested in going out on a date with him. She told me all this with kinda like a smile on her face showing that she was possibly interested and she told me she hadn’t answered him back. And that she became embarrassed when the other cashier asked her once again in front of one of the managers and they had told her to give him a chance. But that she wasn’t sure because maybe he had a gf. It obviously hurt when she told me that but what made it worst was the fact that she knows that I like him, and yet here she was telling me all happily about it. For once i actually thought that maybe me like me back, since he would pat my arm every time we said hi, he would smile a lot when he saw me, i would catch him looking at me and then smile when i did and we would have this awkward weird conversations. Which only made my crush worst cause now i freaking blush too when i see him. Maybe i just read too much into the situation or my coworker is lying to me cause she’s interested in him. But if I go asking around to the other cashier then maybe she’s gonna realize i like the guy and be telling everybody. Because the whole situation sounds kinda weird because you wouldn’t ask a coworker you barely knew to ask another coworker out for you right? Or am I just in denial? Anyways i’m a little broken hearted and wished i had the guts to investigate more cause i think i’m being played. But if he did like me sooner or later it would show right? I don’t have to give up just yet because she said that he wanted a date with her as long as they’re not in a relationship it’s still fair game, if i can call it a game. What do you guys think i should do?

Are we friends or what?

So i have this coworker friend who i once in a while go and hang out with and in the past few weeks where I’ve developed this crush on my other coworker she seems a bit reluctant(i wanna say) about talking about my crush. I’ve given her situations of me and my crush to see what she think of it and instead she doesn’t reply to my texts or if in person just sorta chuckles and changes the subject. I wanna talk about my crush and i wanna analyze what may or may not mean what he says or does but she doesn’t want to. She tells me stuff about her and some of her dark moments but after she’s gone through them. She says I’m a good friend and sometimes hints that she sees me as her bff but…her actions prove otherwise. Sometimes i get the feeling im just someone she likes to hang out it when she has no one to go out with. And maybe it’s not true and is just having a hard time trusting me but how are gonna get a solid friendship between us if mostly what we do is just gossip and joke around. I want someone to over think stuff with me or at least tell me stuff that I may not see from a conversation with my crush and keep me grounded. But i guess that just a bit too much to ask, thankfully I have cyber friends that help over analyze stuff with.

Googleing the signs

So ever since my crush started on this guy I find myself googleing the signs if someone is interested in you or how to tell if a male coworker likes you. I find that some of the signs apply between each other for example in many of the articles it says when he’s speaking with me he will stand facing me and then put his hands on his hips. In order to bring attention towards his chest and his lower area. It says he will also smile a lot to me because a guy wont smile at someone they don’t find attractive and much less if it’s a full wide smile. It also lists things such as unnecessary touching, that his pupils will dilate, and that he will lean towards me when talking. When we talk he does face me and put his hands on hips and I have noticed he really doesn’t do that with others, but then again he doesn’t talk to the others as much. But when he smiles it’s a full-blown one with smiley eyes and everything. And every time we look at each other he has this smile on his face. With the unnecessary touching he’s only done it twice, once when we first met he patted my shoulder when he was about to leave and today when he was trying to get a roll of receipt paper from self check out. He could have just stepped in front of me and say excuse me but instead he went behind me and grabbed me softly by the shoulder and pulled me a bit aside and reached into the self checkout cabinet. Even then from behind he could have said excuse me instead but he didn’t. But then I’ve tried to see his eyes to see if they dilate when he sees me but I cant really tell and then i start to feel embarrassed when i stare into his eyes for too long. Due to us being cashiers we really don’t have time to talk but when we do it’s a bit awkward cause he’s there standing facing me with his hands on his hips and im facing him but we’re both not saying nothing we just stand there awkwardly. I’ve practiced asking questions but it’s just so hard for me to actually ask them and when i did i was able to learn that he studies and everything. And during one of those awkwardly facing each other moments he started to tell me himself how a coworker thought he was married but then was interrupted when a customer came into his line. Today we were the same just standing there like trying to get the courage to say something(at least in my part) when he randomly points at a cooling scarf we sell(basically you just wet it and wrap it however you want in your head to keep cool) and asks me if they would allow us to wear it in there and points at one of the possible ways you can wear. I reply that I don’t think they would let us unless maybe we would be out in the garden area. But it’s just a weird thing to ask and talk about since the weather is still not that hot here. Twice when he has bought a drink at work he comes to my line and I even joked once(yes i was able to do a joke) when i accidentally scanned his soda twice that it was meant to be cause one for him and one for me, he said if i wanted he’ll buy me one but obviously i refused and it was a diet coke after all. I’m rambling now aren’t I? it’s just I feel things are different with this guy I can just feel there’s something every time he comes towards me and smiles and just stands there awkwardly next to me. Because the first thing you have to do when you come in is look for a head cashier to be told where to go but instead he just comes to me first stands there a bit and then they find him and tell him where to go. I know I should advantage of that and I should do or say something then but i get too nervous and awkward and don’t end up saying nothing. I should really start practicing more what to say or do if I want something to happen. So what do you guys think? should I trust what google says or trust my inexperienced love instincts?

Party for 1

So last night I had one of those nights, pity party for 1, which I think it’s been a while since I had one but I guess with my recent semi heartbreak it was bound to happen. I was reading this christian romance book where basically the main message was to have faith that God will lead you to the right man for you and to have trust in his ways. The main character goes from feeling unloved and abandoned to accepting God and trusting that everything would fall into place for her because all she needed was to trust that God would lead her down the right path. And this book really hit hard because there have been many nights where I have been feeling down and I pray for him to give me a sign. That things will work out for me, and that eventually he does have a plan for me. I pray to meet a good man and have a family because lately my heart feels sad whenever I see a baby. I pray that I will find someone to love me and to be given a sign that somehow I am meant to be loved by someone. But those prayers go unanswered and instead I feel more and more alone and unloved. I grew up in a christian home and even though I haven’t accepted God as my lord and savior I still have christian beliefs but…I feel just having beliefs is not enough for me. I feel like a disappointment to my parents, to my family and especially to myself, I feel I haven’t accomplished anything in my life. And those beliefs to trust in him and that everything will somehow work out if I put my faith in him seem to be disappearing. I feel myself become bitter full of negativity, hate, and pessimism, and i don’t like where I seem to be going. But I just feel so…done, I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling. I wanna think and feel positive about my future but i don’t see how things can get any better any time soon.

Luck is just not on my side

Well I tried to become close to the guy I like at work and about 4 days ago we were talking/joking around with another coworker. When she showed us a video on fb of a baby covered in chocolate syrup and she asked us if we would do that to our babies. I said no cause i would prefer to eat it instead and then he replied he wouldn’t either but would rather put it on his gf. When he first said it I felt sad and jealous he had a gf but now thinking about it he technically didn’t say he had a current gf just that he would prefer to put it on her. Other guys would respond almost the same way right and it doesn’t mean he has a girlfriend…right? I just thought about this while writing this post cause I’ve been nursing my poor broken part over the fact that he has a gf. But now maybe there’s a possibility that he doesn’t, and I’m not sure how to go around it and ask him if he does. I can’t ask him out of the blue if he has a one or not cause then if he does he’ll know i am interested in him and that would be awkward. But i think I’m just gonna give up…because he’ll most likely have a girlfriend. My luck lately has been liking guys that have a girlfriend or are happily married. So I’ll just leave it to fate and if it’s meant to be then it’s meant to be and if it’s not…then i guess i’ll be ok with that too.