Shopping = low self esteem

Unlike many girls I hate shopping, I like going to the mall to look around, but when it comes to shopping…it’s a torture. I need to mentally prepare myself before going because if I don’t I’ll end up with myself esteem much lower than when mentally prepared. I’m 5’2 and weight 210 lbs, so shopping isn’t easy for me because I feel nothing looks good on me. Maybe if I had a flatter stomach and not one that sticks out much then maybe I would feel better about certain shirts and dresses but I don’t have one. It’s always a struggle for me because there’s never the correct size of what I want, and even if there is, something is wrong. For example my main struggle is jeans, I hate with a passion shopping for them, because they either fit me perfectly from the waist but are too long, or the thighs are too big or the butt part is too baggy. Like if every single plus sized girl is tall with big butts and thighs, and if they are the right length and fit me good in my butt and thighs they’re too tight. If I try getting one size up then I encounter the problem of the butt and thighs. Why can’t it be easier to shop for them and at a reasonable cost, cause yeah I can go to the plus sized stores but they’re expensive like $60 for 1 pair of jeans. The most I’ve spent on jeans have been around $35. The more expensive jeans in regular stores don’t even go more than size 14 or size 16 and I’m a 17/18 depending on the brand.
Then there’s the tops/blouses some of them are ugly like heck, as if someone saw a random curtain and went “oh that looks like a great design for a shirt” and then just made some holes for the neck and arms. But if you go to plus sized stores  there are some nice ones but they cost like almost $40 for 1 shirt/blouse. Why is it so damn expensive for plus sized girls to dress nice? Is the only way to have a nice wardrobe is to save a bunch of money to buy 1 shirt & 1 jean? Or save a months worth of paychecks for it? Or is it only me that has trouble finding nice cheap plus sized clothes?
Every times I go shopping I end up wanting to cry because I feel nothing fits or looks good on me. The only time I ever feel bad about my weight is when I go shopping other than that I don’t really notice. Why must it be so hard to do something as simple as shopping? Why does plus sized clothing have to be so expensive and at times so ugly looking? Does whoever design these clothes believe people who are bigger don’t want to look nice? that we wanna walk around in clothes that look like they were made of curtains? Cause most of the of curtain looking blouses are sold in stores online there’s a bigger variety of semi nicer looking clothes but it’s one thing how it looks in the model than how it would look on you. Because if you take a close look all the plus sized models, if they’re actually plus sized and not photo-shopped to look wider, they all have flat stomachs. None of them have big bellies, gosh even now that I think of it even maternity clothing looks better than plus sized.
I would like to have a nicer wardrobe and feel better about it when shopping for new clothes but until I win the lottery and afford that ones in plus sized clothes. Or some plus sized clothes designer comes out with nice looking clothes it’s gonna continue being a struggle.

But just wondering if any plus sized girls are reading, if you’re plus sized and with a big belly where do you usually shop for clothes? Can you please gives me some links or names of store I can look, or maybe some online stores that you’ve bought from that you can say oh this store is really good and cheap.

Retail Job Rant List

I just gotta do this because sometimes customers can be sooo ugh! In my opinion everyone should work one year of customer service so then they could feel what it’s like to be on the other side of the register. So here’s my list of things I dislike about customers
1) I hate like really with a passion when you ring a customer up and you’re all polite and they act like you’re not even there and then to top it off they simply throw the cash they are gonna pay with in front of you. They don’t hand it to you they just throw it like whatever. Don’t you know how disrespectful that is?! apart from ignoring us you act like you’re doing us a favor or something. I simply hate when they do that, have some common courtesy at least and hand it to us even if you don’t feel like speaking to us.
2) When i’m obviously already busy with one customer and out of nowhere another one butts in asking questions and wanting my attention and getting upset when I can’t give it to them. It’s like hello i’m with someone else right now can’t you wait for your turn? The world is not gonna end because I can’t answer your question right away and if it does it end then i’ll take full responsibility.
3) When the store just opened like 20 minutes ago,tops, and the customers decides to pay with an 100 dollar bill for a $5-10 purchase. My register will obviously not have enough change so why why would you do that? then you look annoyed because you have to wait while i get change? it’s your own fault, i see that 20 in your wallet and yet you decide to go for the 100. I may be smiling but i’m cursing you and your family for generations to come for that(stop and think about your family next time,lol).
4) Not sure how to start this one but there are moments where the items won’t have a price tag instead of making me call for someone to do a price check it would be a really but really big help if you get it yourself. I know it’s not your(the customers) fault that it doesn’t have a price tag but it would make the transaction so much easier and faster. Because for a price check someone from that department would have to walk over, look at the item go back to their dept and then come back to the register to give me the price. It sounds simple right but sometimes that employee is the only one in that dept and can’t come to the register because they are helping someone else and then you’ll get upset because no one is coming and eventually end up going yourself. It’s much easier if you offer to go because after all you know what item it is and where you got it from so obviously you’ll be out of the store much faster. So next time an item you have doesn’t have a price tag please but please go get another item with a tag yourself it will be easier for you and for me and everything will be done much faster.
5) Another thing to add to that last point when it doesn’t have a price tag/bar-code telling me how much it was it’s not much of a help. I have to scan the bar-code in order to be able to charge you the item, how can I be sure you’re telling me the right price? Especially if you tell me “it said blank blank of the shelf…i think or maybe it was the one under it”. It would be much easier to just go and grab another to be done faster.
6) oh and please don’t say it’s free when it doesn’t scan or have a barcode, nothing is free in the store expect the air you breathe.
7) Don’t make jokes like the one above, or about you making freshly made 100’s, or not wanting a bag to save a plastic tree, or any joke that you can think of cause the odds are we’ve heard it at least 30-40 times already that same day. It was funny for us the first week tops of work but after a year it’s not so funny.
8) This next point has been bothering me a lot lately not sure why because i used to not care but lately it has. Please greet your cashier back when we say “hi, how are you?” don’t respond with ” can you make sure this was 7.99″ or ” i have three different purchases” or “i have so and so of this” its common courtesy to greet people. So please just answer back with at least a hi back since after all we are humans and not robots that don’t require a respond from you.
9) When there’s a cashier at self-check out please but please don’t snap your fingers or whistle to get their attention. Cashiers are not dogs or slaves that you can snap your fingers at, please come to us and ask us for help. When a cashier tells you to give her/him a second give it to them because you’re not the only one requiring help. The cashier has to keep track and help 4-8 stations all by themselves and whistling at them is only gonna put you at the end of their priorities.
10) Again for self check-out its called Self Check-Out for a reason because you ring up the items yourself. Don’t stand there looking annoyed and telling me “well aren’t you planning to scan my items?” or pull up with a cart of a bunch of various items and come tell me “can you scan them for me” if you have more than 20 items and don’t know how to work the self check-out don’t bother using it. We can’t spend all our attention scanning your 50+ items because then the other machines start beeping when another customer needs help and then the snapping of the fingers and whistling starts.
11)Please read the instructions on the screen or any of the signs taped on the machines, don’t get mad at me when the machine won’t take cash and that’s what you’re paying with after scanning a bunch of items. There’s two different signs stating no cash plus a tape across where you put the bills and the machine pops up a message saying this machine is not accepting cash do you wish to continue. Don’t just press random buttons read what the sign says, the same goes for the pin pads read what it says don’t just put no cause you think it’s asking you if you want cash back, read!
12) Have manners and say please and thank you, i know we get paid and doing it is part of our job but that doesn’t give you the right to be rude and condescending. “Can you please check the price of this?” sounds better than “what’s the price of this?” and then walking away without a thank you. All day i hear “give me my 5%” “I have veterans discount”(and doesn’t show ID to prove it),”you don’t have boxes for customers to put plants in? then how do i take them home?”(cue evil glare).

It’s really hard to work retail when 90% of the conversations with customers goes like this:

Me: Hi, How are you?
Customer: “I have ten of this and this” or “i have the 5%” or “………”
Me: Scanning Items
Customer: Sliding their card already.
Customer: It’s not working
Me: It will work once i finish.
Me: Your Total is $X.XX
Customer: You gave me my 5% right
Me: Yes,Have a Nice Day
Customer: ‘already leaving’

You may think it’s an exaggeration but most of the time customers don’t bother to respond or be polite, and then of course there’s the ones who say “funny” jokes or inappropriate comments. Which brings me to another point such as don’t sexually harass cashiers or retail workers because they’re in a position where they can’t talk back or refuse your advancements. Seriously it’s like the lowest thing you can do, you don’t how many times customers have lingered their hand when receiving their change, or when in the middle of a big transaction asking over and over again if I want to go to dinner or to a movie. And having them tell me they are single or recently divorced is not gonna change mine or anyone’s mind. There’s so many more things I can tell you but i will stop with this one. If you ever forget your wallet for whatever reason in your car and you have a child with you please but please don’t leave the child in the cart and run to get your wallet. The usual answer would be ” i am not your babysitter” but it goes beyond that because I don’t if you came by yourself or with your wife or husband and someone could come and try to take the child acting as the other parent. Of course I’m not gonna let anyone just take the child but it would prevent misunderstandings if in fact the other parent arrives. I’ve had people leave infants and toddlers in the cart to retrieve their wallets and it doesn’t fit in my mind how someone would leave their child behind with a complete stranger because technically that’s what I am. So in the end I just wanna say please treat people who work in customers service for what they are and that is people.

Miracle Man

Watching a DIY video of how to build a large fish tank I began thinking of how much i want from my future husband hence the miracle man title. Of course I know me and my future husband won’t have all the same interests but it would be hard finding a man with things in common with me. Let me give you an insight of my hobbies and likes;
…love watching Dr Who and Sherlock
…like to watch anime
…am into Asian dramas and movies, mostly kdramas(korean dramas)
…like to cook and bake
…am a newbie fish keeper
… love doing DIY projects even though I suck at doing them
… like decorating and rearranging my room every few months(weeks)
…I like playing xbox
…I love reading

and well the list can go on forever. And maybe the list of my hobbies doesn’t sound so bad but it does sound very random. Because where in the world am I gonna find a guy who is a drwhokdramalovingfishkeeperandhandymanguy? and i say handy man guy because even though I like diy projects I can’t drill a hole to save my life. Do you know who end ups doing my diy projects because i can’t drill or saw?…my dad…lol who I thank very much for his help but in the end they’re not my diy projects but my dads. So my future husband is gonna have to be good in his wood working because i have so many projects I wanna try,lol

I know the chances of meeting my miracle man are very slim because where in the world would I find someone as weird as me but actually attractive?,lol I think as far as he’s into fish keeping and maybe likes dr who it would be enough for me. Because fish keeping is an expensive and tiring hobby I think a man that’s not into it wouldn’t understand why i spend so much of my money and attention on fishes, so a guy who is a fish keeper as well is a must. Well that just a quick thought I had while watching the diy video,lol

Never the right one

For me it seems I can never set my eyes on the correct guy, at work I felt an attractiveness towards one of my supervisors I didn’t pay much attention to it but I would always find myself becoming shy around him. But it wasn’t till sometime ago while fb stalking(cause seriously we all do it, and don’t you dare deny it because at one point you’ll do it too) and when I finally found him it turns out he’s married with two adorable kids. So that broke my heart a bit and it wasn’t that I like him or anything I was just attracted to him. Then there was this security guy which was basically the same as with my supervisor but now he’s currently dating a fellow coworker…bummer. But most recently I had started talking to this guy who sells solar panels outside of where i work and I developed a crush on him, well more like I started to like him. Things being or feeling different from the other two who I would just become shy around.

With this one I tried actual flirting and started to slightly change my wardrobe because I was feeling more girly girl…gosh in fact I bought two pairs of boots! That being a big deal because I don’t wear boots or heels or anything along those lines, I’m a sneakers kinda girl. Well my coworker tried to find out info and talked to him but sadly it turns out he’s recently engaged. Though thinking back on it her story of how he told her about him being engaged doesn’t sound convincing and doesn’t really make sense but in the end whatever. Because in the end he doesn’t work at my job anymore and someone else took his place, so I haven’t seen him which has helped me get over this crush and just left me with two pair of boots laying in the corner.

But I’ve realized I’ve never really liked guys that have been good for me or available. For example in high school I had a crush on a guy for 2 and a half yrs(crazy, I know) but all he did was put me down. He never made me feel good about myself and in fact when I confessed(yes even crazier) he made fun of me because of it. Apart from that he made me feel bad about the fact that I liked him and when I tried to get over him and ignore him he would call me out on it in front our friends. Thankfully by my senior year I found new friends and separated myself from him, and it wasn’t all bad…we were great friends at first but the moment I started liking him it was when it all changed.

I’ve never like someone who would be able to like me back, I’ve had the bad luck of liking guys that are taken or guys that don’t see me as a girl. I just hope one day to find a great guy to like, someone who is not taken and someone who will not put me down and maybe like me back too,lol

Jealous crazy future cat lady?

Jealousy is something truly awful, especially when you’re jealous of a childhood friend’s life. Ever since we were young I was jealous of her she was always the perfect child whom my mom compared me to. My mom would tell me why can’t you do things like her? see how she helps her mom, she how she does this, how she does that. At ages 25/26 respectively we lead different lives, she’s married to a great guy recently gave birth to a wonderful little boy and has a degree and works doing what she’s learned. Me on the other hand still single, no boyfriend in sight, never graduated from college and working as a cashier and getting treated like shit by customers who feel I’m a robot or some kind of slave. For once i wished something would work for me, there are times where emotionally i feel very lonely and I wished I had someone to lean  on someone to hug but there isn’t. I can’t make jokes about wedding or babies or anything of that sort with my mom because I’ll just be asking for some sort of comment. Last time I joked that I wanted to serve ribs at my wedding reception,she was describing a central american theme reception she went to once, and she told me “just be quiet, you should be planning your wedding for next year already but you’re not”. I knew I set myself up for that one but it still kinda hurt that she would say that. It’s like she was letting me see her disappointment at the fact that I’m not engaged or anything. Even my grandma who is visiting us in the US asked my mom if I had a bf or something because she has expected to finally meet one during this visit. Even my grandma that doesn’t live her seems worried, and it freaking confuses me because some tell me I’m still a baby but then I get comments from my family that make me feel like I’m getting left behind. My mom especially with her comments such as “you shouldn’t let your womb dry out” or “you should give yourself the opportunity to feel the joy of being a mother, and holding something of yours in your arms”. These are just two examples and even though she gives out as a sort of advice or a comment it still hurts. My friend tells me to tell her to stop but how can I? She’s my mom and even though I don’t admit to my friend I feel the same disappointment my mom does. I also want to be in love, I also want to have a baby and a family but it’s not happening. And i don’t know how to change that, sometimes I wonder if I feel this way because of my mom’s comments and expectations about my life. What can I do to change my mom’s expectations? to change mines? What if I’m destined to be single? cause I sometimes I feel like I was. Like I just know ima be single forever, can someone truly know deep inside if they’re meant to be alone or single? Any thoughts?

Dreams, what does it mean?

Apart from having pity parties I’ve also been having a lot of dream/nightmares involving cats. In my first dream I walk to the back of my house where we used to have an old washer and on top there’s a 10 gallon fish tank that looks  a bit odd. Once closer the water looked muddy and there were two white cats inside curled up and kinda bloody. I started to cry and scream out in pain because I thought they were dead and that one of those would be my cat(i own a white cat, and a tank of cichlids too). But the cats woke up and jumped away, I turned back to the tank and the water was the red like blood. If I didn’t know better I would say that maybe it was blood, I remember my fish and tried to scoop them out but when I finally got one it was dead and rubbery looking. I then woke up because of my alarm but today I had another dream and it was worst you could say. I don’t remember much just that i was like running away and when hanging from somewhere or some kind of machine and someone would throw cats and they would slide down into a grinder kinda thing. And it shredded the cat and i would just hang there terrified until they woke me up. I’ve been looking up dream interpretations and so far it’s not anything good. The dead cat symbolizes bad luck and loss of something important. The dead fish would be disappointment and loss and the fish tank could/would be my compressed emotions and all together I don’t like it’s meaning. I’m still trying to find something for the bloody water but not having much luck, though maybe it was blood all along. Anyways these dreams are freaking me a bit out and hopefully they don’t really mean anything.

It’s one of those nights…again

I’ve been having a lot of pity parties lately and it’s just not good. About 3 days ago was the first one I went to work and was told to give another cashier lunch in the garden dept. When I got there he was with a customer and I told him I was giving him lunch and waited, he then turned around looked at me and said you look really pretty. He turned toward the register and continued what he was doing and said I should tell you that more often. At the moment I felt happy and then little by little started to wonder what he meant but since it was busy I didn’t really have the time to think his words through. Even now I still don’t know if it meant anything, but at the end of the day lying in my bed trying to sleep I thought about what happened and I started to cry. I felt so upset and mad at him for saying something like that and why? Because I realized that night…that I’ve never been called pretty by a guy. Not once…even now acknowledging that piece of information hurts, cause if he said to be just nice then I didn’t need it. I didn’t need for him to open that Pandora box where he let’s all my dark thoughts out. Today I saw pictures a coworker posted of how other cashiers brought her a cake and balloons for her birthday which was two days ago but she requested off. And yet no one said anything to me for my bday. Not even on FB maybe it sounds like i’m being a sore loser or something but it says something when even you fb game friends post nice messages on your wall and your coworkers don’t say nothing. We have the same amount of time there except maybe 2 months difference but that’s it. Makes me feel lonely and pathetic for feeling this way, but this year wasn’t the best for me. My cousin didn’t even txt me till 2 days later saying happy bday because she was in vegas and forgot and it hurts when someone tells you that.

I have just been feeling lonely a lot these days and sometimes I see posts on tumblr that don’t help my mood in fact it just makes me feel worst. Because I can really relate to the phrases and picture and gifs and that is scary, but it’s scarier how there’s many that feel the same way I do. I sometimes feel I wasn’t meant to be loved and I blame God because of it and maybe I shouldn’t but I still do. Like many out there I just want someone to understand me and love me. I want at least 1 friend because now that my younger brother moved away i don’t have anyone to hang out with, not even his friends.Just one would be nice because having someone to hug you once in a while…it would be nice. I can’t even remember the last time I really hugged someone and they hug me back….it’s been too long. How do you get out of this vicious cycle? why do I torture myself with these dark thoughts? Nothing good ever comes out of it…

Korea here I come!(eventually)

It’s been 7 years since I got into Korean dramas, Korean music and Korean culture but I have yet to learn the language(i only know about 40 words?) and I have yet to go. So I have finally decided to do something about it so one day I can see everything i admire in dramas and variety shows. I made a deal with an online friend to one day meet in 5 yrs there(more like 4 now) through a tour program made specifically for Korean drama(kdrama) or korean pop(kpop) fans by a group or association called Kpopunited. It’s tour of 7 days that covers concerts, food, hotel, transportation, insurance and flight ticket(but it’s optional, meaning you can buy your own flight). The catch, if you’re broke, is that it’s starting price is $2,500 not counting the airplane ticket. But coming with the ticket and leaving from LA the total cost is $3,850 not counting whatever money you take for expenses(souvenirs). I don’t even have one tenth of that in my bank account and that is with a job, so I decided something must be done. I’m pretty sure I can save that amount in 4 yrs if i put my mind to it. The only way is to set money apart so I’ve chosen to create my own personal saving back, and yes I know I can open a savings account but I find that too tempting. So I’ve been looking around pinterest(and resisting the urge to look up wedding stuff) to do a DIY piggy bank or something along the lines, where I can put in money but no one would notice that it’s actually a piggy bank.shadow box And so far I have no success, though there is one I wanna try but you can see the money inside and that’s something I don’t really want,don’t wanna tempt grabby hands. I may try it though but I guess I would paste a picture of Korea or something to the front so you wouldn’t see what’s inside and only think it’s a picture. Now I just have to find them or else i’m going to have to go with plan B, which would be idea #2 for a bank…which I have yet to find,lol Anyways those are my financial plans to go, apart from that I have 4 yrs to master or at least learn the language to a middle school level. For that I have downloaded some audio classes which I plan to hear at night while I sleep. I know it sounds crazy and i’m not sure if it’s even possible but it’s something i’m going to test out not anytime soon though because I have to organize how i’m going to do it. When I eventually do it I will test it for about 2-3 months and see if it anything sticks. If not then I guess ima have to buy some books and workbooks and get some studying done.

She finally did it

Well my mom finally straight out told me she wants grandchildren. So we were at the mall looking for a place where they engrave photo frames(which we didn’t end up finding) and we ended up walking past a mom and her daughter(around my age) who was holding one of the cutest baby girl ever. I knew what was coming as soon as I saw the baby my mom went(in spanish) ” oh my God look at that precious baby! Jenny I want a grandchild, but from you. I want you to give me a grandchild” and proceeds to pout at me. I proceed to laugh awkwardly and tell her maybe next year. I thought she would go on another mini rant about how this person or that person had a baby on her own and etc..etc…and had braced myself for it but this straight out statement from her really shocked me. It’s like doesn’t she realize what she does to me every time she makes a subtle remark about wanting grandchildren. I don’t have a boyfriend! how the heck does she expect me to get married and have a baby by the end of this year or next yr? Today she killed me man, because I can see clearly and every time she goes crazy over a baby that she wants a grandchild but I can’t give it to her. Not now and not any time soon at least not for another 2 years or somewhere around there if I even marry any time soon, which I don’t see happening soon either. It’s not gonna be until this time next yr that ima be deciding if I wanna have a baby on my own or not. Because I have come to that decision that starting once I become 25 I’m gonna start saving money to have a baby by the end of 2015. You know to make the big announcement on Christmas day that I’m pregnant or that i have decided to have a child on my own.

I don’t know why I let it get to me so much, I should be used to her hinting at it and I was expecting for her to one day tell me straight up. And in my opinion I was getting prepared for that day but I guess you’re never really ready for it. I don’t know what to do I feel bad over it, in fact i feel like crying. Do other girls deal with this too? Do you? how? cause I really wanna protect myself for this. I feel the need to, because after the end of next yr this whole baby thing will end but until then? do i just tell her of my plans so she will leave me alone? or what? I really don’t know what to do or think.

I don’t know anymore

So I have been feeling bad/sad/upset over the last month but it wasn’t till a few days ago that I felt like crying.  Because I feel like my mom has giving up on me. Lately every time there is a news segment on tv about artificial insemination or about women who have decided to have a baby on their own through that procedure she calls me from wherever she is so I could go and watch it. This last one she called me to see was about a trend in women to freeze some of their eggs to later be used at a later time.  If they decide they wanted be a mom but their current eggs are not healthy or somewhere along those lines. I kept wondering and wondering why would she keep calling me to watch those news segments. Gosh I’ve even started thinking about it as a possibility and even in the back of my mind years ago I said that if I was 27/28 and still not married then I would have a kid on my own which is still 2/3 years away now. I’m not sure if she’s pressuring me on purpose or maybe I’m taking it that way and all this baby talk is coming from me and using me mom as an excuse.

Can it be that I may actually want to be a mom? that my body and mind are ready for it? I’m so confused I’m not sure if wanting a baby comes from me or the fact that I think my mom wants me to have one, so I want one to make her happy? Gosh the only part I enjoy from this craziness is picking possible daddies from the customers at work,lol Anyways I’m not sure how to feel about this.



*wanted to put a baby pic as my featured image but…it was too hard to decide on a pic of a baby because they were simply all to adorable to instead I chose a puppy and even then it was hard,lol*