Hi

It’s been a while since my last post but nothing has really happened at least not until recently. I’ve said it in a post before that there are times where the thought of wanting/having a baby comes to mind. But I didn’t truly realize what I meant about that until I thought what it would actually mean to have a baby. I realized then that I couldn’t picture myself as a mom, I can’t imagine taking my kids to school, helping them with hw, spanking them when they are being bad*because yes I believe parents should spank their kids, way too many spoiled kids these days*, giving them baths and basically doing whatever else moms do. I can’t picture it at all and I stop and think if it’s just me or is it normal and that every woman doesn’t imagine themselves being a mom until they are one? I told my mom that, that I couldn’t picture myself as one and doing mom things and she got upset/saddened because of it, telling me being a mother is a wonderful thing and that I shouldn’t miss out on it. This train of thought led to other things such as marriage, I love the whole idea of planning a wedding and having the wedding but I can’t imagine past that. I can’t imagine sharing my bed(I like sleeping in the middle) or cooking lunches for someone else rather than me. I just want the wedding, the gifts, the party but past that well…”it was a nice party, see you later”. I love(maybe that’s a big strong…like is better) the idea of a wedding, the idea of pregnancy(because somehow that seems fun?) but that’s it. Sometimes I think(and may possibly be the answer) that I’m just not ready for the responsibility that comes with a wedding(marriage) and having a baby(raising another human being for the rest of your life). But is it something you have to ready for? Or somehow one day you realize ‘I wanna be a mom, I want someone to take care of and give my life and love to’, or ‘they are the one for me the one i wanna have my ups and downs in life with’. Do you just know? is it something that you don’t exactly have to prepare for? Or is it because I’ve never experience love that I haven’t/can’t see me in the role of wife? Since I haven’t even been a girlfriend to anyone I’m not even sure what’s expected of a relationship. All i know right now is that I want the wedding but not the marriage and the pregnancy without the baby, I guess I just want what seems like the fun parts ^__^

Last day of the first month of this year

This year seems to be going a bit fast, tomorrow is February already! and when we least know it we’re gonna be in July and then Christmas again. When you’re young you just roll with the times but there comes a period where you stop and think where am I heading? What does the future hold for me? It’s gonna be 7 yrs since I graduated from high school but unlike most of my friends I don’t have much to show or boast about. Some of them have degrees and doing internships while other are getting married and having kids and some have even managed to do both. Me? I’m single, no kids, no degree, dropped out 3 yrs ago and currently working as a cashier not even making 40 hrs a week. I have plans though! and it’s nice to have plans but it worries me though cause you may have all the plans in the world but planning them and doing them are two different things. Two years from now I hope to be living in my own place and have graduated and be working as a pastry chef. I hope and pray I’m able to achieve them because I don’t wanna be where I am today two yrs from now and still be doing the same thing. I can’t live forever with my parents or work in a job where if  I lived alone I wouldn’t even be able to afford one month of rent or even the cheapest rent you can find today. It scared me because it seems I’m not moving forward at all and that I’m just stuck in the same place. For now all I can really do I continue working and saving money to be able to even afford to go to school to get my plans rolling.