It’s one of those nights…again

I’ve been having a lot of pity parties lately and it’s just not good. About 3 days ago was the first one I went to work and was told to give another cashier lunch in the garden dept. When I got there he was with a customer and I told him I was giving him lunch and waited, he then turned around looked at me and said you look really pretty. He turned toward the register and continued what he was doing and said I should tell you that more often. At the moment I felt happy and then little by little started to wonder what he meant but since it was busy I didn’t really have the time to think his words through. Even now I still don’t know if it meant anything, but at the end of the day lying in my bed trying to sleep I thought about what happened and I started to cry. I felt so upset and mad at him for saying something like that and why? Because I realized that night…that I’ve never been called pretty by a guy. Not once…even now acknowledging that piece of information hurts, cause if he said to be just nice then I didn’t need it. I didn’t need for him to open that Pandora box where he let’s all my dark thoughts out. Today I saw pictures a coworker posted of how other cashiers brought her a cake and balloons for her birthday which was two days ago but she requested off. And yet no one said anything to me for my bday. Not even on FB maybe it sounds like i’m being a sore loser or something but it says something when even you fb game friends post nice messages on your wall and your coworkers don’t say nothing. We have the same amount of time there except maybe 2 months difference but that’s it. Makes me feel lonely and pathetic for feeling this way, but this year wasn’t the best for me. My cousin didn’t even txt me till 2 days later saying happy bday because she was in vegas and forgot and it hurts when someone tells you that.

I have just been feeling lonely a lot these days and sometimes I see posts on tumblr that don’t help my mood in fact it just makes me feel worst. Because I can really relate to the phrases and picture and gifs and that is scary, but it’s scarier how there’s many that feel the same way I do. I sometimes feel I wasn’t meant to be loved and I blame God because of it and maybe I shouldn’t but I still do. Like many out there I just want someone to understand me and love me. I want at least 1 friend because now that my younger brother moved away i don’t have anyone to hang out with, not even his friends.Just one would be nice because having someone to hug you once in a while…it would be nice. I can’t even remember the last time I really hugged someone and they hug me back….it’s been too long. How do you get out of this vicious cycle? why do I torture myself with these dark thoughts? Nothing good ever comes out of it…

One of those nights

Tonight it’s one of those nights and I’m sure every girl and maybe guy too has had or still does now and then a one person pity party. For me I begin with those thoughts of being lonely and having no friends, because in a way I really don’t maybe one or two or three tops. But I never hang out with them(or meet them) so I wonder do I really have friends? am I even likeable?  it’s that the reason I’m still single? and the pity party goes on a roll of depressing thoughts. But tonight’s pity party theme is love, because the lyrics of a Spanish song came to mind,

“yo no nací para amar
nadie nació para mí
tan solo fui
un loco soñador nomás
yo no nací para amar
nadie nació para mí
mis sueños nunca
se volvieron realidad
siempre lo busqué
pero nunca pude
encontrar ese amor
siempre lo esperé
y en todas partes que esperaba
ese amor nunca llegó”

Which translates to ” I wasn’t born to love, nobody was born for me, I was just a crazy dreamer. I wasn’t born to love, nobody was born for me, my dreams never came true. I always searched for it, but I was never able to find that love. I always waited for it, and everywhere I waited that love never arrived.”

I know of two women who are in their 50’s and never married all their life they remained single they never got to experience what love is, never married and had children and live alone and just live to work. I begin to wonder if maybe the lyrics to this song are true is there a chance that maybe just maybe nobody was born to love me? Am I meant to be single for the rest of my life? If its true do you have to come and accept that as true fact or do you fight it somehow? Because I have prayed about it, I’ve prayed to God to help me find a man who will love me for who I am even with all my crazy beliefs and paranoia’s. But you know how those pity party’s are it’s like you allow that dark and depressing corner of your mind to take over and these dark thoughts swirl in your head. That maybe you don’t deserve to be loved, that you’re meant to be alone forever and so on. But I hate those pity parties and I hate that I can’t stop myself once I start. It takes a line from a book, a lyric of a song or just a memory to trigger it and sadly tonight it’s one of those nights. But I wanna hope and dream that maybe just maybe there is someone for me and that it’s just taking a bit of time to meet him, and when I do that it will be worth it.