Never the right one

For me it seems I can never set my eyes on the correct guy, at work I felt an attractiveness towards one of my supervisors I didn’t pay much attention to it but I would always find myself becoming shy around him. But it wasn’t till sometime ago while fb stalking(cause seriously we all do it, and don’t you dare deny it because at one point you’ll do it too) and when I finally found him it turns out he’s married with two adorable kids. So that broke my heart a bit and it wasn’t that I like him or anything I was just attracted to him. Then there was this security guy which was basically the same as with my supervisor but now he’s currently dating a fellow coworker…bummer. But most recently I had started talking to this guy who sells solar panels outside of where i work and I developed a crush on him, well more like I started to like him. Things being or feeling different from the other two who I would just become shy around.

With this one I tried actual flirting and started to slightly change my wardrobe because I was feeling more girly girl…gosh in fact I bought two pairs of boots! That being a big deal because I don’t wear boots or heels or anything along those lines, I’m a sneakers kinda girl. Well my coworker tried to find out info and talked to him but sadly it turns out he’s recently engaged. Though thinking back on it her story of how he told her about him being engaged doesn’t sound convincing and doesn’t really make sense but in the end whatever. Because in the end he doesn’t work at my job anymore and someone else took his place, so I haven’t seen him which has helped me get over this crush and just left me with two pair of boots laying in the corner.

But I’ve realized I’ve never really liked guys that have been good for me or available. For example in high school I had a crush on a guy for 2 and a half yrs(crazy, I know) but all he did was put me down. He never made me feel good about myself and in fact when I confessed(yes even crazier) he made fun of me because of it. Apart from that he made me feel bad about the fact that I liked him and when I tried to get over him and ignore him he would call me out on it in front our friends. Thankfully by my senior year I found new friends and separated myself from him, and it wasn’t all bad…we were great friends at first but the moment I started liking him it was when it all changed.

I’ve never like someone who would be able to like me back, I’ve had the bad luck of liking guys that are taken or guys that don’t see me as a girl. I just hope one day to find a great guy to like, someone who is not taken and someone who will not put me down and maybe like me back too,lol

Jealous crazy future cat lady?

Jealousy is something truly awful, especially when you’re jealous of a childhood friend’s life. Ever since we were young I was jealous of her she was always the perfect child whom my mom compared me to. My mom would tell me why can’t you do things like her? see how she helps her mom, she how she does this, how she does that. At ages 25/26 respectively we lead different lives, she’s married to a great guy recently gave birth to a wonderful little boy and has a degree and works doing what she’s learned. Me on the other hand still single, no boyfriend in sight, never graduated from college and working as a cashier and getting treated like shit by customers who feel I’m a robot or some kind of slave. For once i wished something would work for me, there are times where emotionally i feel very lonely and I wished I had someone to lean  on someone to hug but there isn’t. I can’t make jokes about wedding or babies or anything of that sort with my mom because I’ll just be asking for some sort of comment. Last time I joked that I wanted to serve ribs at my wedding reception,she was describing a central american theme reception she went to once, and she told me “just be quiet, you should be planning your wedding for next year already but you’re not”. I knew I set myself up for that one but it still kinda hurt that she would say that. It’s like she was letting me see her disappointment at the fact that I’m not engaged or anything. Even my grandma who is visiting us in the US asked my mom if I had a bf or something because she has expected to finally meet one during this visit. Even my grandma that doesn’t live her seems worried, and it freaking confuses me because some tell me I’m still a baby but then I get comments from my family that make me feel like I’m getting left behind. My mom especially with her comments such as “you shouldn’t let your womb dry out” or “you should give yourself the opportunity to feel the joy of being a mother, and holding something of yours in your arms”. These are just two examples and even though she gives out as a sort of advice or a comment it still hurts. My friend tells me to tell her to stop but how can I? She’s my mom and even though I don’t admit to my friend I feel the same disappointment my mom does. I also want to be in love, I also want to have a baby and a family but it’s not happening. And i don’t know how to change that, sometimes I wonder if I feel this way because of my mom’s comments and expectations about my life. What can I do to change my mom’s expectations? to change mines? What if I’m destined to be single? cause I sometimes I feel like I was. Like I just know ima be single forever, can someone truly know deep inside if they’re meant to be alone or single? Any thoughts?

Dreams, what does it mean?

Apart from having pity parties I’ve also been having a lot of dream/nightmares involving cats. In my first dream I walk to the back of my house where we used to have an old washer and on top there’s a 10 gallon fish tank that looks  a bit odd. Once closer the water looked muddy and there were two white cats inside curled up and kinda bloody. I started to cry and scream out in pain because I thought they were dead and that one of those would be my cat(i own a white cat, and a tank of cichlids too). But the cats woke up and jumped away, I turned back to the tank and the water was the red like blood. If I didn’t know better I would say that maybe it was blood, I remember my fish and tried to scoop them out but when I finally got one it was dead and rubbery looking. I then woke up because of my alarm but today I had another dream and it was worst you could say. I don’t remember much just that i was like running away and when hanging from somewhere or some kind of machine and someone would throw cats and they would slide down into a grinder kinda thing. And it shredded the cat and i would just hang there terrified until they woke me up. I’ve been looking up dream interpretations and so far it’s not anything good. The dead cat symbolizes bad luck and loss of something important. The dead fish would be disappointment and loss and the fish tank could/would be my compressed emotions and all together I don’t like it’s meaning. I’m still trying to find something for the bloody water but not having much luck, though maybe it was blood all along. Anyways these dreams are freaking me a bit out and hopefully they don’t really mean anything.

It’s one of those nights…again

I’ve been having a lot of pity parties lately and it’s just not good. About 3 days ago was the first one I went to work and was told to give another cashier lunch in the garden dept. When I got there he was with a customer and I told him I was giving him lunch and waited, he then turned around looked at me and said you look really pretty. He turned toward the register and continued what he was doing and said I should tell you that more often. At the moment I felt happy and then little by little started to wonder what he meant but since it was busy I didn’t really have the time to think his words through. Even now I still don’t know if it meant anything, but at the end of the day lying in my bed trying to sleep I thought about what happened and I started to cry. I felt so upset and mad at him for saying something like that and why? Because I realized that night…that I’ve never been called pretty by a guy. Not once…even now acknowledging that piece of information hurts, cause if he said to be just nice then I didn’t need it. I didn’t need for him to open that Pandora box where he let’s all my dark thoughts out. Today I saw pictures a coworker posted of how other cashiers brought her a cake and balloons for her birthday which was two days ago but she requested off. And yet no one said anything to me for my bday. Not even on FB maybe it sounds like i’m being a sore loser or something but it says something when even you fb game friends post nice messages on your wall and your coworkers don’t say nothing. We have the same amount of time there except maybe 2 months difference but that’s it. Makes me feel lonely and pathetic for feeling this way, but this year wasn’t the best for me. My cousin didn’t even txt me till 2 days later saying happy bday because she was in vegas and forgot and it hurts when someone tells you that.

I have just been feeling lonely a lot these days and sometimes I see posts on tumblr that don’t help my mood in fact it just makes me feel worst. Because I can really relate to the phrases and picture and gifs and that is scary, but it’s scarier how there’s many that feel the same way I do. I sometimes feel I wasn’t meant to be loved and I blame God because of it and maybe I shouldn’t but I still do. Like many out there I just want someone to understand me and love me. I want at least 1 friend because now that my younger brother moved away i don’t have anyone to hang out with, not even his friends.Just one would be nice because having someone to hug you once in a while…it would be nice. I can’t even remember the last time I really hugged someone and they hug me back….it’s been too long. How do you get out of this vicious cycle? why do I torture myself with these dark thoughts? Nothing good ever comes out of it…

Korea here I come!(eventually)

It’s been 7 years since I got into Korean dramas, Korean music and Korean culture but I have yet to learn the language(i only know about 40 words?) and I have yet to go. So I have finally decided to do something about it so one day I can see everything i admire in dramas and variety shows. I made a deal with an online friend to one day meet in 5 yrs there(more like 4 now) through a tour program made specifically for Korean drama(kdrama) or korean pop(kpop) fans by a group or association called Kpopunited. It’s tour of 7 days that covers concerts, food, hotel, transportation, insurance and flight ticket(but it’s optional, meaning you can buy your own flight). The catch, if you’re broke, is that it’s starting price is $2,500 not counting the airplane ticket. But coming with the ticket and leaving from LA the total cost is $3,850 not counting whatever money you take for expenses(souvenirs). I don’t even have one tenth of that in my bank account and that is with a job, so I decided something must be done. I’m pretty sure I can save that amount in 4 yrs if i put my mind to it. The only way is to set money apart so I’ve chosen to create my own personal saving back, and yes I know I can open a savings account but I find that too tempting. So I’ve been looking around pinterest(and resisting the urge to look up wedding stuff) to do a DIY piggy bank or something along the lines, where I can put in money but no one would notice that it’s actually a piggy bank.shadow box And so far I have no success, though there is one I wanna try but you can see the money inside and that’s something I don’t really want,don’t wanna tempt grabby hands. I may try it though but I guess I would paste a picture of Korea or something to the front so you wouldn’t see what’s inside and only think it’s a picture. Now I just have to find them or else i’m going to have to go with plan B, which would be idea #2 for a bank…which I have yet to find,lol Anyways those are my financial plans to go, apart from that I have 4 yrs to master or at least learn the language to a middle school level. For that I have downloaded some audio classes which I plan to hear at night while I sleep. I know it sounds crazy and i’m not sure if it’s even possible but it’s something i’m going to test out not anytime soon though because I have to organize how i’m going to do it. When I eventually do it I will test it for about 2-3 months and see if it anything sticks. If not then I guess ima have to buy some books and workbooks and get some studying done.

She finally did it

Well my mom finally straight out told me she wants grandchildren. So we were at the mall looking for a place where they engrave photo frames(which we didn’t end up finding) and we ended up walking past a mom and her daughter(around my age) who was holding one of the cutest baby girl ever. I knew what was coming as soon as I saw the baby my mom went(in spanish) ” oh my God look at that precious baby! Jenny I want a grandchild, but from you. I want you to give me a grandchild” and proceeds to pout at me. I proceed to laugh awkwardly and tell her maybe next year. I thought she would go on another mini rant about how this person or that person had a baby on her own and etc..etc…and had braced myself for it but this straight out statement from her really shocked me. It’s like doesn’t she realize what she does to me every time she makes a subtle remark about wanting grandchildren. I don’t have a boyfriend! how the heck does she expect me to get married and have a baby by the end of this year or next yr? Today she killed me man, because I can see clearly and every time she goes crazy over a baby that she wants a grandchild but I can’t give it to her. Not now and not any time soon at least not for another 2 years or somewhere around there if I even marry any time soon, which I don’t see happening soon either. It’s not gonna be until this time next yr that ima be deciding if I wanna have a baby on my own or not. Because I have come to that decision that starting once I become 25 I’m gonna start saving money to have a baby by the end of 2015. You know to make the big announcement on Christmas day that I’m pregnant or that i have decided to have a child on my own.

I don’t know why I let it get to me so much, I should be used to her hinting at it and I was expecting for her to one day tell me straight up. And in my opinion I was getting prepared for that day but I guess you’re never really ready for it. I don’t know what to do I feel bad over it, in fact i feel like crying. Do other girls deal with this too? Do you? how? cause I really wanna protect myself for this. I feel the need to, because after the end of next yr this whole baby thing will end but until then? do i just tell her of my plans so she will leave me alone? or what? I really don’t know what to do or think.

I don’t know anymore

So I have been feeling bad/sad/upset over the last month but it wasn’t till a few days ago that I felt like crying.  Because I feel like my mom has giving up on me. Lately every time there is a news segment on tv about artificial insemination or about women who have decided to have a baby on their own through that procedure she calls me from wherever she is so I could go and watch it. This last one she called me to see was about a trend in women to freeze some of their eggs to later be used at a later time.  If they decide they wanted be a mom but their current eggs are not healthy or somewhere along those lines. I kept wondering and wondering why would she keep calling me to watch those news segments. Gosh I’ve even started thinking about it as a possibility and even in the back of my mind years ago I said that if I was 27/28 and still not married then I would have a kid on my own which is still 2/3 years away now. I’m not sure if she’s pressuring me on purpose or maybe I’m taking it that way and all this baby talk is coming from me and using me mom as an excuse.

Can it be that I may actually want to be a mom? that my body and mind are ready for it? I’m so confused I’m not sure if wanting a baby comes from me or the fact that I think my mom wants me to have one, so I want one to make her happy? Gosh the only part I enjoy from this craziness is picking possible daddies from the customers at work,lol Anyways I’m not sure how to feel about this.

 

 

*wanted to put a baby pic as my featured image but…it was too hard to decide on a pic of a baby because they were simply all to adorable to instead I chose a puppy and even then it was hard,lol*

Hi

It’s been a while since my last post but nothing has really happened at least not until recently. I’ve said it in a post before that there are times where the thought of wanting/having a baby comes to mind. But I didn’t truly realize what I meant about that until I thought what it would actually mean to have a baby. I realized then that I couldn’t picture myself as a mom, I can’t imagine taking my kids to school, helping them with hw, spanking them when they are being bad*because yes I believe parents should spank their kids, way too many spoiled kids these days*, giving them baths and basically doing whatever else moms do. I can’t picture it at all and I stop and think if it’s just me or is it normal and that every woman doesn’t imagine themselves being a mom until they are one? I told my mom that, that I couldn’t picture myself as one and doing mom things and she got upset/saddened because of it, telling me being a mother is a wonderful thing and that I shouldn’t miss out on it. This train of thought led to other things such as marriage, I love the whole idea of planning a wedding and having the wedding but I can’t imagine past that. I can’t imagine sharing my bed(I like sleeping in the middle) or cooking lunches for someone else rather than me. I just want the wedding, the gifts, the party but past that well…”it was a nice party, see you later”. I love(maybe that’s a big strong…like is better) the idea of a wedding, the idea of pregnancy(because somehow that seems fun?) but that’s it. Sometimes I think(and may possibly be the answer) that I’m just not ready for the responsibility that comes with a wedding(marriage) and having a baby(raising another human being for the rest of your life). But is it something you have to ready for? Or somehow one day you realize ‘I wanna be a mom, I want someone to take care of and give my life and love to’, or ‘they are the one for me the one i wanna have my ups and downs in life with’. Do you just know? is it something that you don’t exactly have to prepare for? Or is it because I’ve never experience love that I haven’t/can’t see me in the role of wife? Since I haven’t even been a girlfriend to anyone I’m not even sure what’s expected of a relationship. All i know right now is that I want the wedding but not the marriage and the pregnancy without the baby, I guess I just want what seems like the fun parts ^__^

What does that mean?

At the moment my love life is a bit complicated or more like weird there’s this guy at work(who i think have written about before) who I look forward to seeing every time I go to work. But I’m having a hard time realizing what exactly I feel, I know I find him cute and I’m obviously attracted to him. What I’m not sure is if I like him, have a crush on him or what exactly, I thought I liked him but when he told me he had a girlfriend I felt nothing. No pang of jealousy(lol) or any kind of pain or heartbreak, in fact I felt more sad when I “realized” that maybe him and another coworker were maybe fated. But now I kinda think I was more hurt by the possibility that maybe fate has put them by each other than the fact of them being together…am I making sense? I hope so. Well even though he has a girlfriend I still find myself attracted and still look forward to working with him. But lately what he comments when we are talking alone really confuses me because I have like no idea what he means. I sometimes think that maybe it’s a generation thing? if there’s any generation gap whatsoever. He’s 4 years younger than me so I think is this what people his age talk like or what?,lol On two occasions when we are talking/joking around he shakes his head and tells me “you’re too much” and I ask him why and he just responds you just are. Maybe I should start asking him what does it mean because until today I’m still not sure, maybe my jokes are not that funny? or he doesn’t understand my way of thinking or what? But yesterday he said something even more confusing he approached my register to give me lunch and we chatted a bit and I turned to leave and told him that he would have to order change soon and he turned to me shook his head and told me “you’re ruining me you know”. What in the world does that even mean? you’re ruining me? how??? I googled the you’re too much one and from what I read maybe he finds what I say too shocking *according to urban dictionary,lol* but this one? I have no freaking idea so if someone could enlighten me that would be awesome.

One of those nights

Tonight it’s one of those nights and I’m sure every girl and maybe guy too has had or still does now and then a one person pity party. For me I begin with those thoughts of being lonely and having no friends, because in a way I really don’t maybe one or two or three tops. But I never hang out with them(or meet them) so I wonder do I really have friends? am I even likeable?  it’s that the reason I’m still single? and the pity party goes on a roll of depressing thoughts. But tonight’s pity party theme is love, because the lyrics of a Spanish song came to mind,

“yo no nací para amar
nadie nació para mí
tan solo fui
un loco soñador nomás
yo no nací para amar
nadie nació para mí
mis sueños nunca
se volvieron realidad
siempre lo busqué
pero nunca pude
encontrar ese amor
siempre lo esperé
y en todas partes que esperaba
ese amor nunca llegó”

Which translates to ” I wasn’t born to love, nobody was born for me, I was just a crazy dreamer. I wasn’t born to love, nobody was born for me, my dreams never came true. I always searched for it, but I was never able to find that love. I always waited for it, and everywhere I waited that love never arrived.”

I know of two women who are in their 50’s and never married all their life they remained single they never got to experience what love is, never married and had children and live alone and just live to work. I begin to wonder if maybe the lyrics to this song are true is there a chance that maybe just maybe nobody was born to love me? Am I meant to be single for the rest of my life? If its true do you have to come and accept that as true fact or do you fight it somehow? Because I have prayed about it, I’ve prayed to God to help me find a man who will love me for who I am even with all my crazy beliefs and paranoia’s. But you know how those pity party’s are it’s like you allow that dark and depressing corner of your mind to take over and these dark thoughts swirl in your head. That maybe you don’t deserve to be loved, that you’re meant to be alone forever and so on. But I hate those pity parties and I hate that I can’t stop myself once I start. It takes a line from a book, a lyric of a song or just a memory to trigger it and sadly tonight it’s one of those nights. But I wanna hope and dream that maybe just maybe there is someone for me and that it’s just taking a bit of time to meet him, and when I do that it will be worth it.